Badge of Honor, Badge of Pride

My husband is a big fan of a jewelry company out of California called Steel Flame.  Much of their jewelry is quite masculine and massive, such as the 2″ long dagger inscribed “VIRTUS” [Virtus was a specific virtue in Ancient Rome. It carries connotations of valor, manliness, excellence, courage, character, and worth, perceived as masculine strengths (from Latin vir, “man”). It was thus a frequently stated virtue of Roman emperors, and was personified as a deity. (Wikipedia)] that my husband wears daily, or the massive Archangel Michael shield pendant our son wore while on tour in the Middle East.  but they also make some feminine pieces, like the clover shaped “key to his heart” pendant my husband had made for me some years ago.  But now for me, they are making a different piece, a piece that uses their trademarked KillboX design, but inscribed with the words that define the cycle of abuse for me:  pain, fear, shame and anger.  This pendant design features a .45 caliber bullet literally shot through the piece after it’s been made.  In my case, the piece will be inscribed with the letters P-F-S-A before it is shot.  This is the letter I wrote to its creator at Steel Flame, Leonard Ikeda.

I would like [my KillboX inscribed with]  the letters in this order P, F, S, A.  Pain comes first, as the physical blow shatters your body. Then comes fear: when will it happen again? This is followed by shame–the abuser convinces you it is your fault. And finally, finally, when you are stronger, when you can fight back, you feel anger. White hot, all consuming anger. Purifying, saving anger. The kind of anger that saves your life.


Many say, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” For me, this is true. My abuse tempered me like a fine steel blade. I am the stronger for it; I will not shatter due to a hard blow. My ductility is greater than the average person’s–I perform even better under stress. My resistance to outside factors is greater. I can handle more than anyone I know. Nothing, literally nothing, can make me crack. The anger that tempered me was literally white hot–a flame too hot to actually see but one that can still be felt to this day.


I am ready for my KillboX.  It is ready for me.  I want it forged in the hottest heat you can and infused with anger and hatred.  I want whomever makes this to be filled with rage at the man who abused me for ten years. His name is [  ].  I need the KillboX created full of rage and anger at him.  I will send a picture if it can help keep the maker focused on the rage. Then, when shot, I want it shot with love, kindness, humility, thankfulness and caring. The shooter needs to understand that he or she is acting on my behalf, is an 11 year old defenseless girl who was hit, a 15 year old who was touched inappropriately, a 21 year old who finally snapped and beat her abuser’s head into the floor, scramming “YOU WILL NEVER TOUCH ME AGAIN.” For in the love of the shot, the shooter will undo the hate of the abuse, the anger infused in the box. The shot, through the pain, the fear, the shame and the anger, will complete the cycle and allow my soul and my heart to rest peacefully. The shooter is symbolically saving the life of that abused child.


In this KillboX, the power of the woman  I have become will protect and save the child that I was. And in doing so, I will move on faster. This will be my badge of pride, my sterling proof of my value, my strength, my resiliency and my courage. Nothing can harm me. Nothing can make me weaker. My husband  makes me stronger, but I have in my own self become stronger than I ever thought possible.


And this, my friend, is the story I want told in my KillboX. I am happy and proud to share it with others.  I am not alone. [This KillboX will serve] to honor and uplift the abused child and to celebrate the strong adult.