After watching the video link in my previous post, I was so touched, I had to send this message to my cousin.
My god, that was amazing. She and I have both been living in closets, I just came out first. And I can relate to EVERYTHING Ash says in this video. The letter I sent to my mom was THE hardest thing I have ever done. It was so painful and so frightening and I knew what the consequences might be. I am dying to have a dialog with her–when she is ready.Did you know I saw her yesterday? We conversed like polite acquaintances. When I tried to start the dialog that needs to be had, she cut me off, telling me how she is fine, how she is not an alcoholic. She needs no help, she has a happy marriage and a busy fulfilling life and lots of friends. She isn’t ready to have that dialog yet.Perhaps the biggest problem, perhaps the root of all if this is that in order to have that dialog, she needs to tell me I am telling the truth. She cannot keep saying he never hit her or hit me or did any of the awful things that happened between 1975 and 1985. Her inability (or unwillingness) to say, “Yes, that happened, you are not lying, and I wish things had been different” is what keeps the dialog from happening.Instead she is trying to turn my friends and my family against me, telling my father how horrible he looked at the wedding probably because of all the burdens and stress I have piled on him. Sending my eldest emails gushing over the wedding and how beautiful she was while telling me in an email that my youngest was the prettiest girl there. She even told my eldest that her new mother-in-law was clearly the third most beautiful woman at the wedding after the bridge and her sister. She actually rolled her eyes and grimaced at me when I told her that my husband and I together are better than ever.I really, really, really miss my mom. But she never really was the mom I pretended she was. And when I ripped that Band Aid off in my letter to her, I started a blood flow that shows no sign of letting up.Thank you so much for sharing this with me and with her. I hope she can see how this might apply to our situation, but I have to tell you truly, I won’t be holding my breath.You are so awesome. My life has always been better because you have been in it.With much love and many hugs,